🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.